Faced with her son’s addiction, Paula embraced new tools
Published Oct. 4, 2024
Last November, Paula was lost. Her 14-year-old son was sneaking out at night. He was distant and angry, and he wasn’t connecting with his dad or brothers.
“During the really difficult time, he didn’t want to be touched, which was very weird. He’s always liked hugs,” she said. “He’s my heart, he’s my joy, he’s everything to me. We’re very, very close.”
As 2023 progressed, Paula became increasingly worried about her son’s drug use. His drastic behavior changes made her wonder if he was depressed or if the marijuana he was using was laced with something else.
“He was doing very scary things, sneaking out of his bedroom window, being in downtown areas that have a lot of shootings in his age range,” she said. “We were terrified.”
With a background in counseling and psychology, Paula understood her limitations. She knew if she had more tools and learned to communicate more effectively, it would help her son.
“I was angry with myself, I was sad with myself, I wasn’t choosing the best reactions,” she said. “Now, I know I can’t control everything. I can only control my own reaction to it.”
Feeling like she had tried everything, Paula started searching for someone to talk to.
“I’ll never forget it, because I had no idea what I was doing,” she said.
When Paula found Face It TOGETHER, she remembers feeling relief in knowing addiction is something many families experience.
“The biggest surprise was just feeling like I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t alone,” she said. “The moment I felt desperate was the moment I felt most disconnected. This program reminded me there’s tons of parents dealing with this, whether they know it or not.”
Paula’s coach, Aubrey, gave her relevant homework right away.
“I’m a former teacher; I’m all about the homework,” she said. "She’d give me options, and I could implement them.”
Her coaching sessions were times Paula knew she wouldn’t be judged as a parent. Eventually, she was surprised by how normal it felt to talk about what was happening in her family.
“The world is full of judgment. Every single time I saw her, I knew it was a free space, a nonjudgmental space. I could make a mistake; I could have horrible thoughts,” she said. “It was normal to connect with her. I didn’t judge myself for needing help, taking help.”
Talking with another mom of teenage children was important to Paula’s wellness.
“It was really great. We could bond on the fact that they won’t always feel connected to us, and that’s ok,” she said. “Their experiences in the world, their mood swings, their developing brains. It helped me to have that peer-to-peer understanding.”
The tools Paula learned allowed her to be authentic and learn where her son was coming from.
“I was able to implement everything she gave me seamlessly as if it were my own,” she said. “I started asking open-ended questions. What was the first step that made him think of the second step—that led to the third and the fourth? When he chooses to use, that’s step four, there's been three steps prior to that. How can we intercept step one?”
Paula describes her son as everyone’s friend. He’s empathetic and wants everyone around him to be comfortable.
Recently, they were driving home through a storm. It was only about a two-mile drive, but it was flooding, and the weather was severe. As she was driving, Paula’s son kept his hand on her shoulder until they got home safely.
Those days when he was disconnected, when he didn’t want to be hugged, have passed.
“He’s back,” she said. “He’s very loving person. It’s taken a while, but we’re back to where we were. Maybe it’s different, but that’s ok.”